Eulogy

 So my father died a little over three weeks ago on Christmas morning. When it was apparent he didn't have much time left, I prayed that God would extend him at least into January so my mother wouldn't have to associate Christmas with the loss of her husband of 66 years.

God ignored me.

I don't know what thoughts I have of all this. It seems like everything now is really geared towards getting his funeral arranged and taking care of death business. I suppose all the contemplation will come later when there is less organized chaos.

I do know that my father was never about taking care of himself physically. He didn't exercise or care that he ate way too many sweets. Those things just weren't important to him.

I could also make the point that his son wasn't that important to him either, though he did take me fishing when I was a kid. Other than that he really took little interest in the things I liked and wanted to do.

That last statement is probably unfair of me. There were other things he did for me, but I remember him showing up for one little league game I had and left because I wasn't in the game. He showed no real support for that or other things I did.

If I sound bitter, I'm not, really. He admitted that he wasn't a very good father to me and I can agree with him. Yet he provided a roof over our heads and food to eat. We never went without what we needed physically. For those things, I am thankful.

And I'm also thankful for the negative things as well, for it has instructed my own parenting with regards to my sons. I spent time with them doing things that he was unwilling to do with me. I can still see places where I could have done better. That's probably the curse of hindsight.

I can say that my father was an honest man and there are many examples. He held to fairly firm principles, though at times he was easily led astray by narratives that appealed to him. We are probably all guilty of that at one time or another.

But I can't really put together a glowing outline of his life to use as a eulogy if asked. Not if I'm being honest and frank. If asked to say something, I'll probably refuse, though I confess to a sense of obligation as I was his only son.

My dad was okay to me and not abusive and maybe that's enough.